bollywood is a bitch

Kate and I signed up to be extras in a Bollywood movie. It was to include free drink and food all day, last from 6 am to 6 pm, involve us getting our hair and make-up done, and pay 500 rps. The night before we go down to Leopold's cafe to grab a drink. We run into the crew of Delta pilots (Todd, Allan, and Bob + some British guy???) that Kate had met 2 nights ago and join them at their table. One drink leads to 2, 2 drinks lead to 3, and well, we all know how that goes. It's now 1 am and Leopold's is closing. We go back to Steven Todd's room at the Taj Mahal Palace Hotel. Yes, Delta pays to have their pilots stay at the Taj Mahal Palace Hotel, a 5-star deluxe hotel and arguably the best hotel in India. Someone brings out the Red Bull and vodka, then the Taj brings us by free champagne, because that is what a group of loud obnoxious Americans need, more alcohol. We have an interesting discussion (read argument) about natural selection of mating partners. The next thing you know Kate's watch alarm goes off signalling that it is 5:30 am and time to awaken for Bollywood. We look at each other in utter disbelief. We grab our stuff and run (literally run) out the front door of the Taj, along the boardwalk, back to our hotel. We lay down for a couple of minutes until at 6:30 we get awaken by a man wearing only a towel. (He is the proprietor of our ridiculously cheap hotel and he always walk around in just a towel. Lovely! see next article) He tells us that the bus has experienced a flat tire but will be here in 5 minutes. We stumble out the door and down the stairs. We get on an old school bus with about 16 other white kids on it. We then ride in the heat (about 45 C/111F), ridiculously hung over, for an hour to get to the set. The set is located next to the place where fish are laid out to dry. The place stinks of dead, rotting fish. This does not help our nausea. Kate gets her costume (read weird yellow shirt) and we get "breakfast". Breakfast consists of spicy grits and a boiled egg. A bolied egg that comes from a cardbpard box. The cardboard box is filled with boiled eggs that are already peeled. THe guy reaches in with his bare hands and puts a boiled egg on your plate. I am so hungry/hung over that I eat mine. Then we sit, in the heat, in front of a fan, which a group of disgusting smelling Isralei men keep standing directly in front of, so not only does everyone sitting there not get the air flow from the fan, but the air that does get to us smells like man ass sweat. Then we sit for longer. Kate and I decide to bail. We head out of the complex, some director man asks us where we are going, we lie and say to the bathroom. We get to the front gate the security guard is very helpful he tells us we will have to take a local bus to the train station and then either take a taxi or train back to Colaba. So we sit in his chairs waiting for the bus and we sit for longer. The guard is starting to chat us up. Kate is not helping me. She is reading her newspaper as I struggle to come up with a reason that we can't meet the security guard for drinks tomorrow. We are way out in the middle of nowhere and have no idea how to get back so we need this man to tell us which bus to catch. I can't just tell him to get lost and hope he still wants to be nice. We spend 10 minutes discussing where we should meet as I pretend not to know any sort of landmark in Mumbai. Finally, we are saved by the bus! The bus takes 45 minutes and it does not make us feel less nauseous. We get to some train station way outside of town and I hail down the first cab we see. This turns out to be the slowest cab in all of Mumbai. Usually taking a cab in India means travelling at ridiculously high speeds while weaving in and out of traffic, this man did none of these things the one time we really wanted to be somewhere in a hurry. He stops for gas, he gets passed on the freeway by autorickshaws. They literally are powered by lawn mower engines. It took over an hour to get back and it is painfully hot.

Our reward once we did return was to call Steven Todd and sit by the Taj pool for the rest of the afternoon. Steven Todd took such good care of us, I highly recommend him to anyone. He ordered us a pizza and had it sent to his room. Then he lets us eat it on his bed while watching a movie in his air conditioned room. He lets us EAT ON HIS BED. I don't know about you, but I give Kate dirty looks when she eats on our bed and she is even paying for half of it. What if we had horrible manners, what if we wiped our greasy hands on his fabulously expensive sheets. I couldn't believe it and it was absolute heaven!! He then lets us take a shower, use his laptop, and have a nap. I think he finally wakes us up at 9 pm to see if we want dinner and we head back to our crap hotel where we pass out for the next 12 hours. The moral of the story being if you ever have a hangover find the Steven Todd nearest you. It's the best!