My mom and her friend came in town for the weekend and I spent some time showing them around Sydney, including taking them on a lovely sail around the harbour. Well maybe it wasn't so lovely. . .The wind was at about 25 knots, when it gets to about 30 knots you wouldn't go out because stuff just starts breaking. There are 3 guys on this boat, Ang, me, mom, & Jan. I barely know how to sail, mom has only been on pleasure cruises, and this was Jan's first time on a sailboat. Welcome to sailing Jan! It was treacherous, a race, and the skipper was a very excitable creature. Jan puts on these yellow, rubber fishing pants with suspenders. She is then made to act as counter weight which means crawling on her belly from one side of the boat to the other when we tack. This is fantastically hilarious! The pants she has on makes her really grippy so she can't gracefully glide over the top of the boat. She is heaving herself across the top like she has velcro on her belly. This obviously slows her down which means everyone else is already in place and able to watch Jan ungracefully clawing herself from one side of the ship to the other. This is not fun for Jan even if it is wildly amusing for everyone else. She decides to go below deck and find herself a life jacket. She doesn't return up top until the cruise is almost over. During the middle of the race something on the front of the boat snapped off leaving our headsail flapping in the wind. This makes the skipper very anxious. He is yelling at everyone on the boat, "I want that F*!#er fixed already, what the F*!# are you people doing!" This continues for some time, while the man gets a wrench from below and then fixes the thingy. The skipper is also yelling at other boats on the harbour in this colourful manner. The skipper is yelling at my mom in this colourful manner for accidentally resetting the race clock. Basically, the skipper just likes to yell the f word. The ladies are thinking mutiny. I am soaking wet and cold because I have been acting as the balance weight and huge waves are crashing over the side of the boat. I am also concerned that Jan will not be forgiving me for this any time soon. Thankfully, the wind was so strong that the race was finished quickly, right before the lightning and rain started. Our boat did come in first, not that it made my mom or Jan feel any better. I supposed I shouldn't have tricked them by suggesting that we get some snacks and drinks for the sail. They thought it was going to be a pleasant ride while dining. They ended up being good sports about it, even treating Ang and I to a nice steak dinner.

CANCER UPDATE

I went to the doctor yesterday and he has scheduled my surgery for Dec 11. It will require a couple of stitches and they should come out after 10 days. The dermatologist (Simon) said that it was a very rare cancer to have on your face (something 2 other dermatologists had told me). Simon said that he only sees one patient a year with this type of cancer and therefore he wanted to get the pathology slides from the lab in TX to confirm the diagnosis. He went ahead and booked the surgery because he is fairly sure I will need it. Surgery should take 4-6 hours, 30 minutes in surgery and then an hour to analyze the skin layer. If there is cancerous cells in the layer, then Simon will take more skin. Its only under local anesthetic so I should be just fine the next day, apart for some minor swelling and bruising. All for the bargain price of $3,000!

It's been a long time. . .

• I shouldn’t have left you. . . I have been working (GASP!). So far, I really enjoy it as well. I not only get to play with stem cells and try to make them into components of the brain, but I also get to learn about the birds and the bees. I spent a whole day in the embryology department watching them catch sperm and inseminate eggs. I have to say that I am fantastically curious about what my eggs look like, but I hear the extraction process isn’t much fun. Hopefully, I will get to see someone else go through that next week. There are some downsides to the job. Everyday I am reminded that fertility is very much dependant on the age of both sexes and as it is a real clinic with patients you do see people going through some very difficult times. The office next to mine is “Miscarriage Management.” All in all I am very grateful for being able to work in a field where there is much progress to be made and where I believe a big impact can be made on human health. Perhaps Obama will lift the ban on stem cell research so that the US can put its resources into a technology capable of curing muscular dystrophy, Parkinson’s, and spinal cord injury, just to name a few.
  In other news, I have been diagnosed with skin cancer. It sounds much worse than it actually is. . .I had this bump on my nose that would bleed every time I got out of the shower. I went to the dermatologist (after about 9 months) and she decided to biopsy it. The biopsy came back as a superficial malignant fibrous histiocytoma. I am told that it is a rare cancer to be found on your face. It basically is the same severity level as a carcinoma and simply requires excision. By the time I had received the biopsy results I had been an Australian permanent resident for about 2 weeks (yeah!), but I hadn’t bother to go and get Medicare because I didn’t think it was important (oops!). I have spent the last 2 weeks getting Medicare and then a referral from a GP so that I can go to a doctor who will perform the MOHS surgery on my face. MOHS is a special surgery, of which only 12 doctors in Australia are qualified to do, where they take a sliver of your skin off then do some staining and look at it under a microscope to determine if there are any cancerous cells in that layer. If there are cancerous cells, then they keep going and take the next layer. If there are no cancerous cells then they stop. The bad news is that the surgery is considered partly cosmetic since it would be way cheaper to just cut a huge chunk out of my nose. Medicare will cover my consultation fees but not the actual surgery which will cost me anywhere from $1,500-$3,000. It looks like my first paycheck as a big girl will be going to skin cancer. Kind of a bummer, but since the Aussie dollar is down to about 70c US, if I pay with my US credit card it will be like the surgery is 30% off! Cancer cloud silver lining!

The end of the eternal summer. . .almost

No joke, I got a job. I had 3 interviews last week in Singapore and got an offer. I started to seriously consider moving to Singapore. I flew back to Oz over Sunday night and arrived Monday morning. On Tuesday, I had an interview with Sydney IVF. They are looking for a neuroscientist to help them develop a stem cell models of neurodegenerative disease. I am their neuroscientist! I am very excited both about the job and moving to Sydney. I am going to the US first to visit my family, including the family vacation in the Bahamas, and move my stuff to Australia. I get back in Oz around the first of October and will have to find a place to live and move there before work starts on Oct. 15. I know most of you are shocked that I have actually gotten a job, but it had to happen sometime. I want to thank the people who fed, sheltered and clothed me on my year + hiatus, without you guys this wouldn't have been possible.



"Gramps"-For all the meals and nights I stayed at your place, including tonight.

Biba "Beeeeebs" Wythes-For taking care of me every time I was in Brizzy. You are the most amazing partner I have ever come across and if you ever want to upgrade from Fletch. . .I am your woman. Think of the chocolate I could bring you.

Ellis "Ayis Face" Caffin-No rent, free food, and stress-relieving giggles for the past couple of months, a girl couldn't be any luckier.

Angela "Pumpkin" Farrar-All the nights of Bones/Grey's, free dinner (even when it was my turn), and a sleep on that oh so comfortable couch.

Kate "my most significant other" Lewis-so you are broke, but , as always, you did provide me with moral support and job getting advice.

Laura "Kate's mom" Kislowski-for guiding me through the perils of "bullshitting your way to a career". I owe you so much.

Jean "Nana" & Jim "Grumpy" Scott-for the money and the support then, now, and always. see you in the Bahamas!

Borneo or Bust, we choose BUST

We spent last week visiting the sights of northern, Malaysian Borneo. Hiking, scuba diving, jungle trekking, monkey viewing, and rental car destroying. It all starts in Semporna, where we had been scuba diving on Sipidan island the day before. I wake up and go down to the lobby to use the internet while Ayis sleeps. I get down to the lobby and I notice a group of men squatting by the car so I go to see what is the commotion. Someone has hit our rental car and then sped off. There is a big dent and it is hard to open the driver side door. There are even little pieces of the other person's motorbike (maybe). I wake Ayis up and we have breakfast before calling the rental car company. They tell us we must get a police report. We pack up and head to the police station. We tell the officer what happened and he goes away to write the report. A few minutes later, I hear the officer call out, "umm, miss. . .miss Heder." He would like me to tell him my address. I rattle off our address in Gerringong. "umm, miss. . .you type." I sit at the policeman's computer and type in the address. I go to get up and let the officer have his chair back, but he has decided I should type the whole report since I am a faster typer. The image of a white woman sitting at the Sabah police computer typing a report has caused some interest. It is now me sitting at the computer typing the report with 5 officers standing behind me watching. I even get to use the official stamps to certify the form. However, this fiasco has taken some time and if we want to see both the Madai caves and the Proboscis monkeys we will have to hurry. Ayis drives like a madman! We get to the Madai caves where I collect a group of stalker-guides (14 yr old boys) who don't speak English but have a damn powerful flashlight with which to explore the caves. They are very nice and while Ayis leaves me to stumble around in the dark (he has our only flashlight). They light my path and hold my hand over the slippery surfaces. We quickly explore the bat and swiftlet bird filled cave and then it is back to the highway! The Proboscis monkeys are fed at 4:30 and we just have enough time to make it, but gas is low and anticipation is high. It is 4:09 and we make it to the turn off for the monkey sanctuary. We have 15kms to go on a dirt road in a Proton Waja. There are many dips, holes, and ruts. Ayis is going fast. Ayis may be going too fast. Babooom-donk! Something bad has happened. The car doesn't like to shift gears, but we press on. We must see the monkeys. We coast into the sanctuary with 4 minutes to spare. We see the monkeys being fed and it is impressive. Victory and glory belong to us! After all the monkeys have retreated, a man comes up to us and says, "you should not take little car down old road. Very bad. take new road, much better." No problems, sir. we will do that. We return to Panic the Proton (our car's nickname since it likes to sound its alarm for no reason). There is a large pink puddle under it. Ayis looks worried. He does like all men do and fiddles with stuff under the hood without actually accomplishing anything. We get in the car and start it. We drive about 1.3kms and the car stops. Ayis hypothesizes that we are out of gas and jumps on the back of a plantation worker's scooter to go retrieve some. We fill the tank with 3 litres and get inside the car for the moment of truth. Key in ignition, key turns. . .CAR STARTS! Victory and glory belongs to us! We drive about 1.1kms, car dies. Car dies good. Car dies permanently. Many warning lights are lit on the dash. Panic is unhappy. We walk 800m to a guard house on the plantation. They call a tow truck, it will be there by 8:30 pm. We spend the next 1.5 hours sitting with a plantation worker and her 5 kids, drinking Coca-cola. The tow truck arrives and it is going to cost 360RM ($123AUD) to get to the town where we are staying. There is no room inside the tow truck for us to ride so we just sit in our Panic the Proton while it gets towed. We get the driver to take us to his shop at 10:30pm so that we can wash the car and claim that it was never driven off the paved highway. We finally get to the B&B and crash. The next day Ayis spends on the phone with the rental car company telling them "what happened." This all goes to prove that insurance agencies are correct to charge 25 yr old male drivers the highest premiums. We are still not sure how much of a car Ayis will have to purchase, but all of that glory belongs to him.

Suck it!

Hanging out in Kuala Lumpur and decided to try the new relaxation fad-having your toe jam eaten by fish. I am not kidding. You go into this room with a very large fish tank embedded in the floor and your hang your feet over the edge and these fish come and eat your toes clean. It is the weirdest sensation ever!!! It causes much squealing, but after a while it is no big deal until the big fish come over. They are larger and you can feel that their bite is also larger. Afterwards, a tiny lady rubs you for $16 an hour. Long live the sucker fish!

just when you thought it was finished

I got an interview in Singapore. Well, not actually an interview. I wrote this letter to the head of GlaxoSmithKline in Singapore and told a fib. I said that I would be there in the middle of August, he replied that while he didn't currently have any jobs, he would love to meet with me. . .in SINGAPORE. . .in the middle of AUGUST. So I then had to buy a ticket to Singapore to meet with a man who cannot offer me any jobs. I may not be so awesome at this job hunting thing as I have just paid $730 AUD for this. However, it turns out that it is cheaper to buy a ticket to Kuala Lumpur. Since I would already be in KL, Ayis and I decided to go to Borneo for 2 weeks and then Singapore for a couple of days. I leave for the airport in about 30 minutes.

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

the end of an era

It has now been 11 months since I left responsibility sitting on the couch to go and have a peek at the world. I have seen a lot, I have learned a lot, and I have done a lot. While I am currently unemployed and quite broke, I have absolutely no regrets. I have taken 51 flights in 14 countries and countless number of buses, trains, and very dodgy cars. I turned 28 and walked 300 kms. I took 20.28 Gb of pictures. I was awarded a doctorate. As a homage to the past year of trials and tribulations, I would like to share with y'all some of the things I learned.

-patience can be taught

-spit bubbles are the best way to prevent staring

-wet wipes are an extremely valuable commodity

-Israelis are the worst travellers

-sea lions can move fast on land when chasing your mother

-Communists are the best shoppers

-forgiveness can take awhile

-cocaine is made with gasoline and cement

-seat belts are a luxury

-giraffes regurgitate their food

-burning bodies don't smell

-Germans are the worst poker players

-insurance is a waste of money

-Gin is addictive

-the best food comes from a place where English is not understood and hygiene is questionable

-immune systems are meant to be tested

-the best price is obtained by "physical haggling"

-if you faint you may pee your pants

-kava tastes like dirt

-a bucket is an effective door lock

-Poverty is everywhere

-the oldest panda bear is 25

-men love men in gold spandex ladies' pants

-20/20 cricket doesn't make me want to poke my eyes out

-disparity of wealth is the greatest creator of violence

-Immodium really works

-leopards bite when mating

-miming can get you all the basic necessities

-China is polluted

-stalling the engine in a plane can be alot of fun

-Tienanmen square is the largest public square in the world

-you should always keep your receipt for terracotta warriors

-India is dirty

-penguins are the best snorkeling partners

-tortoises drink water

-information control is the major tool of repression

-all countries use puppy dogs to sell toilet paper


-Mr. Bob Squarepants is the happiest sponge I know

China puts the PING in shopping

It has been a whirlwind of sites and activities in China, but a lack of Internet cafes makes posting a bit difficult. Mom and I have now seen the Great Wall, the terracotta warriors, panda bears, Beijing, shanghai, and a bunch of other small cities that I had never heard of. When I say small cities I mean less than 10 million people. Every city we have been to has at least 5 million and they all have several shopping megaplexes. I have now bought an extra suitcase to lug all the stuff I have bought and I haven't even been to Hong Kong yet. My suitcase contains a terracotta warrior (shhhhh), jade dragons, a chess set, 2 purses, 3 pairs of jeans, and chopsticks. Did I mention that I don't have anywhere to live when I return to Sydney so I have no idea what I am going to do with all of this shit (Gramps, you look very pretty today). Last night, we took the dreaded green train to Chongqing. It lasted 14 hours. The smell of the loo made everyone in our bunk sleep with their shirts over their heads as the smell of our stinky armpits was 10 times more fabulous than the ammonia smell. The train had no A/C so we kept our window open to get fresh air, but we spent the entire night going in and out of tunnels and the noise was deafening. Not happy with Intrepid and their supposed mid-class trip. The night before was fabulous! We went to some culture show about the Tang dynasty which I am sure was interesting but I was just there because the Tang people ate the shit out of dumplings. They were fabulous and this small lady just kept bringing more of them. The pork ones were shaped like little pigs and even had mini tails. They had seafood, shrimp, duck, chicken, and vegetable dumplings. All perfectly bite size. I ate until I thought I was going to be sick (in a good way). In the morning, mom and I rented bicycles and cycled the wall around city of xi'an. You get to ride on top of the wall (it is about street width). It even has a moat all the way around it. Disaster Jean's chain fell off a couple of times, but we were able to fix it. This was very fortunate as the wall is a 14 km square and it would have been a long walk back to the bike hire place. Tomorrow we get on a boat for a 3 day cruise down the Yangzi river. Might pull my hair out from boredom, but we will see.

A billion differences

Both Beijing and Mumbai have about 15-20 million people residing in their city, but the contrasts between the two is best illustrated by simply taking a taxi to/from the airport

Leaving Mumbai, Kate and I catch a cab outside the Taj. The cab is from the late 1950s. The meter is on the outside of the car on the passenger side, which means that everytime you hire a taxi the driver has to slide over, stick his arm out the window, and push the button down on what ammounts to an external odometer. The taxi doesn't have A/C and Mumbai is a ridicuously humid place. There are, of course, no seatbelts and no radios. Drivers compensate for this by singing and driving recklessly. Everytime there is a traffic jam, which is often, the drivers turn off the engine. The road that we drive on does have lanes, but it also has cows, autorickshaws, cyclerickshaws, wheelbarrows, fruit carts, precessions celebrating Ganesh, and people bedding down for the night. No joke! The freeway overpasses have people sleeping on them, not under them, ON THEM! The backseat is relatively comfortable, but that is because it doubles as a bedroom for the cabbie. This makes the backseat have a certain odor called "cab driver feet." The ride to the airport takes 1.5 hours and the driver keeps yelling at us in Hindi despite the fact that we obviously don't understand a word of what he is saying, except "traffic." The honking is incessant. All the cars (plus others) are jockying for postions. Road rules are not followed. If there are 3 lanes, traffic is 5 abreast. Its like NASCAR at very slow speeds. Child beggars bang on the windows. The ride terminates and the cab drivers always try and tell you that the ride costs more money than it does. Since the meters are as old as the cars, every cab driver is required to carry a chart that converts what the meter says into what the cost is in rupees. When you ask the driver "how much?" he always says a number higher than the actual, which then requires you to demand to see the conversion table. The driver then "searches" for the chart. He doesn't produce the chart until you lean back in the seat making it obvious that you are not paying until you see the chart. He then "finds" the chart. You look at the chart and inform the driver of the real price. He smiles and without looking at the chart himself says, "okay."

In Beijing, I exit the airport and join the orderly que for taxis. I enter a taxi from the 21st century. The man flips the meter (which is inside the car) and a computerized voice welcomes me to the taxi. The taxi is clean, it has A/C, power windows, airbags, a radio, and seatbelts. I don't wear mine out of principle. The cab driver doesn't speak much English, but he doesn't expect that I speak Mandarin which leads to a fabulous, quiet ride, in airt conditioned comfort. He drives on a freeway that contains only cars. We get to go fast and by "fast" I mean normal speeds. The lanes are marked and the cars stay within the lanes. No one use4s their horn the entire 45 minute drive. The driver is even wearing white gloves. We arrive at the hotel and I pay the farevisible on the meter and then it prints me a reciept.

I will reserve final judgement on this debate until I take a taxi in Shanghai. After all, maybe Beijing has cleaned up its act for the olympics.

Communism

I don't really understand communism. I mean China is supposed to be communist but there are more shopping malls per square kilometre than any capitalist country I have ever been to. The big difference is that I can't read my own blog. China has banned it!! I can post to it and I can rearrange page elements but I can't actually view my blog. Just think of the revolution if 1. 034 billion Chinese could read myassisflying.blogspot.com

The Taj Palace

WARNING: This article discusses pooping and all things associated with it. If you are faint of heart, don't read on.

For the better part of a week, Kate and I having been staying at a pretty shitty hotel. It's called Maria Lodge and it is essentially 3 floors of a decrepit building. It has a wall A/C unit and costs us only $15 dollars a night, but it has a few drawbacks.

There is no toilet in the room. We have a squat toilet at the end of the hallway that we share with the occupants of the other 12 rooms on this floor plus the manager and his mentally challenged helper. However, each of the other rooms contain 4 Indian men sharing a double bed. Not only does the bathroom smell like what you imagine a squat toilet that 52 people are using would smell like, but the hallway smells as well. It smells like really disgusting smelling feet. You exit our room at the opposite end of the hallway and are immediately struck by the muggy heat that accumulates in the corridor. Then the smell hits you. It is 50m to the bathroom and you try and hold your breath. Of course, then you have to enter the toilet of horribleness. Eventually you have to breathe and you will regret this. For those of you who don't know, squat toilets don't have running water, there is no way to flush. You go to the bathroom in a hole and when you are finished you fill a bucket up from a separate tap and pour that down the hole. This usually doesn't make the poop go anywhere except to float on top of the hole. You are supposed to use your left hand and the bucket of water to wash your bottom, but that just doesn't work if you are use to using toilet paper. Kate and I carry baby wipes with us. The problem being is that there is no where to dispose of these once they have been used. You can't put them down the hole because they will just clog it up. There is no rubbish bin, not that it would matter if there was because India doesn't believe in rubbish collection. So it goes out the window and lands on the roof of the building next door. That's right, for a week Kate and I have been going to the bathroom and then throwing the loo paper out the window. The first time you do this it feels sooooo wrong. After that, it makes you giggle every time! If you only have to pee, you could walk down the Hallway of Stinky Feet or you could just pee in the shower in our room. Guess which one Kate and I did. I don't think that will be a difficult guess. So besides the bathroom issues, the room leaves a lot to be desired. The door doesn't lock from the inside. Kate and I decide to put the shower bucket (nicknamed the security bucket) in front of the door. That way we will hear if anyone tries to enter the room. This would be excellent logic except we are taking sleeping pills at night. I had a whole conversation with Kate the other night and I don't remember a damn bit of it. The other downside of this hotel is the proprietor. He sleeps in the hallway. He sleeps naked. When he does get up, he only feels the need to wear a towel. This is not pretty (see picture at right). The hallway is also where the proprietor cooks his meals on a kerosene stove. The hallway is the only fire exit as all of the windows have bars on them. After a week of this, Kate and I decide that we should treat ourselves to a night at the Taj Mahal Palace. We get up early and pack our backpacks and head to the Taj. The lady at reception tells us they have no rooms, that they are "fully booked." Kate and I don't believe this because the night before we had looked this up on the internet and they had plenty of rooms. We leave very disgruntled. We then call the Taj and surprise, surprise they have plenty of room. We book a room over the phone and then we turn up to the Taj to check in and complain. The lady at the front desk remembers us and upgrades us to a room in the palace wing. Nice try, sweetheart, but we are still taking to the manager. Kate does all the talking. The manager is so very sorry that we were treated this way. So what if we smelled like we had been bathing in the feet of 50 Indian men and looked that we were homeless. We are white and we have credit cards and that alone should get us entry to the Taj. Our room at the Taj has a TV with English language channels, a indoor bathroom, continuous A/C, a clean shower, real cloth towels, sheets, toliet paper that can go IN the toilet, and other such luxuries that we have not had in 2 months. When we arrive back at our luxiourous room, there is a complimentary bottle of wine with a note of apologies. Kate and I drink it with no hesitation. We spend the next day hanging out at the pool and using the spa before we have to catch a plane. I heart the Taj!

bollywood is a bitch

Kate and I signed up to be extras in a Bollywood movie. It was to include free drink and food all day, last from 6 am to 6 pm, involve us getting our hair and make-up done, and pay 500 rps. The night before we go down to Leopold's cafe to grab a drink. We run into the crew of Delta pilots (Todd, Allan, and Bob + some British guy???) that Kate had met 2 nights ago and join them at their table. One drink leads to 2, 2 drinks lead to 3, and well, we all know how that goes. It's now 1 am and Leopold's is closing. We go back to Steven Todd's room at the Taj Mahal Palace Hotel. Yes, Delta pays to have their pilots stay at the Taj Mahal Palace Hotel, a 5-star deluxe hotel and arguably the best hotel in India. Someone brings out the Red Bull and vodka, then the Taj brings us by free champagne, because that is what a group of loud obnoxious Americans need, more alcohol. We have an interesting discussion (read argument) about natural selection of mating partners. The next thing you know Kate's watch alarm goes off signalling that it is 5:30 am and time to awaken for Bollywood. We look at each other in utter disbelief. We grab our stuff and run (literally run) out the front door of the Taj, along the boardwalk, back to our hotel. We lay down for a couple of minutes until at 6:30 we get awaken by a man wearing only a towel. (He is the proprietor of our ridiculously cheap hotel and he always walk around in just a towel. Lovely! see next article) He tells us that the bus has experienced a flat tire but will be here in 5 minutes. We stumble out the door and down the stairs. We get on an old school bus with about 16 other white kids on it. We then ride in the heat (about 45 C/111F), ridiculously hung over, for an hour to get to the set. The set is located next to the place where fish are laid out to dry. The place stinks of dead, rotting fish. This does not help our nausea. Kate gets her costume (read weird yellow shirt) and we get "breakfast". Breakfast consists of spicy grits and a boiled egg. A bolied egg that comes from a cardbpard box. The cardboard box is filled with boiled eggs that are already peeled. THe guy reaches in with his bare hands and puts a boiled egg on your plate. I am so hungry/hung over that I eat mine. Then we sit, in the heat, in front of a fan, which a group of disgusting smelling Isralei men keep standing directly in front of, so not only does everyone sitting there not get the air flow from the fan, but the air that does get to us smells like man ass sweat. Then we sit for longer. Kate and I decide to bail. We head out of the complex, some director man asks us where we are going, we lie and say to the bathroom. We get to the front gate the security guard is very helpful he tells us we will have to take a local bus to the train station and then either take a taxi or train back to Colaba. So we sit in his chairs waiting for the bus and we sit for longer. The guard is starting to chat us up. Kate is not helping me. She is reading her newspaper as I struggle to come up with a reason that we can't meet the security guard for drinks tomorrow. We are way out in the middle of nowhere and have no idea how to get back so we need this man to tell us which bus to catch. I can't just tell him to get lost and hope he still wants to be nice. We spend 10 minutes discussing where we should meet as I pretend not to know any sort of landmark in Mumbai. Finally, we are saved by the bus! The bus takes 45 minutes and it does not make us feel less nauseous. We get to some train station way outside of town and I hail down the first cab we see. This turns out to be the slowest cab in all of Mumbai. Usually taking a cab in India means travelling at ridiculously high speeds while weaving in and out of traffic, this man did none of these things the one time we really wanted to be somewhere in a hurry. He stops for gas, he gets passed on the freeway by autorickshaws. They literally are powered by lawn mower engines. It took over an hour to get back and it is painfully hot.

Our reward once we did return was to call Steven Todd and sit by the Taj pool for the rest of the afternoon. Steven Todd took such good care of us, I highly recommend him to anyone. He ordered us a pizza and had it sent to his room. Then he lets us eat it on his bed while watching a movie in his air conditioned room. He lets us EAT ON HIS BED. I don't know about you, but I give Kate dirty looks when she eats on our bed and she is even paying for half of it. What if we had horrible manners, what if we wiped our greasy hands on his fabulously expensive sheets. I couldn't believe it and it was absolute heaven!! He then lets us take a shower, use his laptop, and have a nap. I think he finally wakes us up at 9 pm to see if we want dinner and we head back to our crap hotel where we pass out for the next 12 hours. The moral of the story being if you ever have a hangover find the Steven Todd nearest you. It's the best!

Practicing Imperalism

Yesterday I spent all day practicing my best imperialistic attitude. I went to the Shiv Neivas hotel (about $325 a night) and paid $7.50 to use their pool. I had the glorious, clean, white marble pool all to myself. It even came with a waiter who stood behind me the whole time, THE WHOLE TIME, just in case I needed anything. He wouldn’t even let me move my lounge chair. Nothing makes you feel more hegemonic than directing a waiter dressed in an all white 3 piece suit, in 45C heat, on where to position your sunbed while wearing a bikini. This kind of power does have its downside though . . .I burned my bottom.

This morning I went horseback riding through rural Udaipur. It was good fun and all the children shout and wave at you. Apparently, all the area we were in used to house tigers and leopards which is why a hunting palace was built by the king here. However, now it just looks like south Texas scrub brush. Supposedly there are still leopards there, but I didn’t see any. Probably a good thing because I don’t think I could have controlled my horse if it saw a leopard.

I am off to Mumbai tonight. Hopefully you will next see me as an extra (and when I say “extra” I mean star) in a Bollywood movie.

Octopussey

I have left the city of burning bodies and am now in a place called Udaipur, after a quick stop over at the Taj Mahal. The Taj Mahal was very pretty, but kind of makes you wonder why someone would waste all the time, energy, and money on a palace that nobody can live in.

Anyway, Udaipur is most famous for being the location where the James Bond film "Octopussey" was filmed. It has a lake in the middle with these 2 gorgeous palaces, except right now the lake is not very full so you can actually walk to the palace. It is a very romantic city (at night, when you can't see all the trash). Last night, I sat on a rooftop courtyard and watched "octopussey" while I ate my dinner. It was the first Bond film I had seen staring Roger Moore. I must say it was quite a good movie except the DVD quality was bad so it kept pausing. This was a bit annoying, but not really much you can do about it. Today I went on a tour of another palace. It was a dizzying place and I can't imagine living there. You could see out the window a spot you wanted to get to, but then you had to take this maze of narrow staircases up and then down and around the corner only to come out at a different place. It would have been impossible to find someone else living in the house without a cell phone or a homing pigeon. Tonight I went on a "boat ride" out to another palace that was absolutely breathtaking. There had been a wedding there the day before and tourist could not go to the island. I don't even want to know how much it would cost to rent out this place (secretly: I totally want to know). It is a shame I can't post the pics (too large). This is all pretty tame compared to the other night. . .
The day started out by taking a local bus from Pushkar to Ajmer, which is about a 30 minute ride. Of course, this was in the hottest time of the day about 45 C (113 F) and the bus seats 36 but there are 50 people on it including a man dressed like a monkey (complete with tail) eating a banana. I then take an autorickshaw (motorcycle with cab attached) to the train station and take a train from Amjer to Udaipur. This takes about 6.5 hours. I then take another autorickshaw to a hotel and drop off my stuff. It is now 9:30 pm. I leave my hotel in search of dinner. I find a rooftop restaurant and order dinner. In the meantime, I meet an aussie, a french woman, and a german man. we all end up having dinner. it is then decided that we should go back to their hotel and play texas hold em poker. Not for money, we just play for matches. Little did we know how competitive we all were, over MATCHES. We played for four hours, until just me and the aussie were left with our matches. At this time it is 3 am, I tell them all good night and I go to leave the hotel. Only problem is that I can't get out of the hotel. The doors are all shut. I am in the bottom floor of the hotel looking for someone who works there when the biggest rats I have ever seen come out of hiding. (Note: I say hotel, but it is really like a small apartment building. In the bottom floor is where they store all the construction materials and motorcycles during the night.) I can't find anyone so I head back upstairs and tell the others. We then go and search for the best room in the hotel. (Note: In Indian hotels you have to supply your own lock so all of the rooms are open.) We find a lovely room with A/C which is nicer than anything that I have stayed in during my travels. I slept in beautiful comfort for a couple of hours until the others had to catch their train and then I simply snuck out the front door and waked the 50 m to my own (not as nice) hotel.
This has given me an idea of how to make India even cheaper. I will simply befriend other travelers, go to their hotel, "accidentally" get locked in, and then stay in nice free rooms. I wonder if they will be suspicious if I am carrying my luggage. . .

Ganges Cremations

Just came back from watching cremations at the edge of the Ganges river. It was really interesting to witness. Firstly, there is no emotion shown at these funerals. Women are not allowed to attend as they are too emotional. The body is carried through the narrow streets on stretchers followed by their male friends and relatives. They take it down to the ghat where there are about 10 fires burning all the time. They burn about 200 hundred bodies a day at this particular ghat. You can stipulate which type of wood should be used on the fire and the cost varies accordingly. The body is placed on a stack of wood and it is up to the son of the deceased to set the fire. It takes about 3 hours for it to burn until the point where they lift the rest of the corpse into the Ganges river. The lower caste people are burned in public while there are special places for those of higher caste, politicians, and military officers.
It is an odd ritual to watch since it is so public, but not emotional. The shroud covering the body burns off quickly so it is obvious what you are viewing fairly early in the process. The ash falling from the air and onto your hair and clothes is that from dead human bodies, but it doesn't really evoke any emotional response. Of course, it is not PC to take pictures so none of you have to worry that I am going to show you the process.
Tomorrow morning I am going on a boat ride to see the morning cremations.

A note on the Ganges river. The MOST polluted river in the world. The Ganges has 1.5 million faecal bacterium per 100 mL. Water that is considered safe for SWIMMING has 500 bacterium per 100 mL. Indians not only swim, bathe, and do their laundry in the river, but they also drink it and worship it. It has Kate and I scared to brush our teeth or shower. I look down and think, "Is the water running into the drain brown because I am dirty or is it brown because. . ."

This is not a fun thought.

Other than that. I love India! It is crazy crowded and super dirty, but it has a charm. Maybe it is the reminder to be grateful for where I was born or maybe it is the will of so many people who physically struggle just to survive a single day, but for whatever reason it is an inspiring place and you can get pants tailor made for $5. I got 3 pairs! I may get more tomorrow or maybe shirts. . .

Welcome to India!

Kate and I left yesterday to go from Pokhara to India. The man said it would take 6 hours, it took 8 to get to the border with India. It could have taken 4 hours except we were apparently on the scenic bus with seats that not only didn't recline, but actually made you sit at a slightly forward angle for EIGHT hours. Not so scenic when you have to stare down at your feet. We get to the border at about 3:30 pm and go through Nepali customs and then India customs and then get ready to take a shared jeep to the train hub in India. The man says that the ride will take 2 hours, the ride takes 5.5 hours. We pile in a jeep type vehicle with 1 Canadian girl, 5 Israeli guys, and 5 locals. This means that everyone is actually slightly sitting on someone else's lap. Kate is sitting up front with two locals who are sharing the drivers seat and the Canadian girl sharing the passenger seat with Kate. The drive starts off bad and never gets any better. First off, we have to keep stopping so that the locals can get out of the drivers side and shift into the proper gear. Since he is shifting into his friend's crotch, he keeps stalling the car. Then one of them gets out of the car and gets it back into first gear and then the driver hops in again. This happens at least 4 times. Then bags start falling off the roof of the jeep. So we have to stop and adjust the rope. This happens at least twice. Then we have to stop at a bunch of check points. The co-driver has to get out of the car 400 m away from the check post and walk to the gate and talk to the police for at least 20 minutes. This happens at least 4 times. Everytime we stop the israleli's want to be let out of the trunk of the car. They have nominated me as the guardian of this task. I am not happy with my assigned job. Mainly because every time we stop and they get out it takes another 5 minutes to get everyone back into the car. It is not easy to pack a clown car. 3 hours in to the 2 hour journey, we are finally getting somewhere. Then the driver decides that it is time for chai. He pulls over the car. All hell breaks loose! We all start yelling that we are not going to pay if he stops for chai. Kate is vigorously giving the horn a workout. The Israeli's are yelling as much as we are. They want to catch a 9 pm train and it is already 7:30 pm. The driver collects the co-driver and we are about to start moving on without chai when we realize we have a flat tire. The Israeli's start trying to flag down another vehicle. I check for the spare. The spare is merely for decoration as it is the BALDEST tire I have ever seen. At this point mutiny breaks out. A couple of us get on top of the car and start undoing the tie downs for the luggage. The Israeli's start negotiating a new price for the rest of the ride with the new vehicle. Then the real hassle begins. The 3 guys in our car who appear to have an interest in the taxi service start getting aggressive that they want 70 rps for the ride they have given us. We estimate that we have gone less than half way on a 100 rp journey. The men start to man handle everyone and trying to forcibly put their luggage back on taxi 1. A shoving match breaks out between the Israeli's and the taxi men, the Israeli's have just finished their 3 years compulsory military service, the Israeli's lose. Everyone is yelling. People are staring at us. Cars stop on the road to watch the spectacle.

The 2nd taxi driver and the 1st taxi driver have an earnest discussion. They decide that the 2nd taxi driver will drive into town and buy a tire and drive it back. In the meantime, we all have a coke and discuss our failed mutiny. After an hour, the 2nd taxi driver returns with a tire. The tire is fixed and the luggage is reattached to the 1st taxi. We all pile back into the clown car and the driver announces he needs 50 rps from someone as the emergency fee. We all refuse to pay. He doesn't have enough money to pay the 2nd taxi driver for repairing the tire. (just a little side note: 50 rupees is about $1.25 USD. It is seriously cheap to have a tire fixed in India). Now the 1st taxi driver and the 2nd taxi driver get into an almost physical yelling match. After 2 minutes, it is decided the 1st driver will pay the 2nd driver down the road. Now we are finally getting on the way. The rest of the drive is filled with animals who have been hit by cars. Goats, limping dogs, and cows with holes in them. It isn't pretty but we finally make it to Gorkhapur at 10:30 pm. Kate and I find a hotel room and book our train tickets to Varanasi for the next morning. Mosquitoes also find our hotel room as well. A lot of mosquitoes find our hotel room. I don't get much sleep. Kate sleeps like a baby while the mozzies silently feed on her flesh. Speaking of flesh. . .

The man says the train takes 6 hours, the train takes 9 hours. It is long and hot. Very hot. 100F in the shade hot. We are starving. We have eaten both of our snickers. We finally make it to Varanasi at 3:30 pm and get to our hotel. Varanasi is the holiest Hindu city in India. It is where many people come to die, believing if they are cremated in the Ganges river they will be free of the rebirth and death cycle. You can watch cremations, public cremations. We are not doing that tomorrow morning however as we need one day to recuperate from all the traveling. Never-the-less I am VERY excited about this.

5416 meters!

After 17 days, Kate and I have finally returned from the Annapurna circuit. It was 300 km (180 mile) round trip through the highest mountain range in the world. At times it was grueling and resembled the news pictures of Afghanistan more than anything else, but the mountains are just majestic. The food was the traditional rice and lentils with the daily Snickers to boast our morale. The showers weren't warm and we had to do our laundry every other day by hand. It takes forever!!!! I have a new found love of the washing machine. At higher elevations, all my socks froze so I stopped doing laundry at all until we got over the pass and came back down. At the pass, the mountains on either side of us were 7500 meters tall, not that you spend much time looking when you are trying so hard to get up the hill. Some people were suffering from altitude sickness and actually rode yaks over the pass. We made a lot of friends on the way with the kind of camaraderie that not bathing for long periods of time brings. We are now in Pokhara relaxing, feasting, and getting our clothes laundered. Kate ate about 3 pizzas last night. It is kind of scary how much food she can fit in her stomach. We should head out to India in the next couple of days, but you never know. . . for now, it is simply off to breakfast.

the day I became a communist

well, not exactly, but Kate and I went to the village where Kate did her volunteer work for 2 weeks and stayed with a family. While we were there the Maoists announced victory in Nepal's election. They drove around in trucks covered in red and waving the communist flag. We watched them and took pictures. Then we started seeing in a capitalist v. communist bout who would win. We asked the Maoist supporters if we could buy the shirt they were wearing. We got no takers, but did get given 2 Maoist hats. We are totally going to rock those hats on the trail and see if we can get out of paying the Maoist "tax." we have walked around Kathmandu some, went to Godawari (Kate's home stay village), and we are now in the Tibetan exiles town of Budha. I think we are going to see the monkey temple and then head off to do the trek, but the Delhi airport also has flights to Kabul and Kuwait, so. . .

Peace out

"I'll see you at the airport, unless the maoists lose the election" were the last words I heard from Kate on Wednesday. I fly out of Sydney for a marathon 24 hours of flying to get to Kathmandu on Saturday morning. Kate and I don't actually have any plans except at some point to do the annapurna curcuit, which is a 300 km (186 mile) trek over about 21 days. The highest place we cross is a mountain pass called the Throng La at 5416m (17873 ft).

Talk to everyone in about a month or so!

Fish Rock Cave

The celebration of Jesus continues by diving with grey nurse sharks.

Ayis found this place on the central coast of New South Wales where you can dive in the breeding grounds of grey nurse sharks. It was awesome. You swim through this canal where all the sharks are passing through. From the depths you will see this dark shape getting closer and closer. His teeth are out and he is not really swimming so it looks as if this shark is magically floating toward you and you can see him checking you out. It is like playing a game of chicken with the shark. the more still you are the closer they will come. I never won cause it just freaked me out too much to be in the path of these big animals even if they never bite humans. "There is a first time for everything" is my motto.

After we pass through this alley, we hit the entrance to a cave filled with schools of fish, rock lobsters, HUGE turtles, HUGE sting rays, and the ever so stealth woobegongs (which everywhere else in the world is called carpet sharks, see right). Also you get to surface inside the cave where there is an air pocket, but you are still 12 ft below the water. But, there is little to no light, so you have to use a flashlight. This makes it easy for creatures and/or rock outcroppings to sneak up on you. Combine this with the fact that there is a bit of current in the cave so that you have to hold on to the rocks when the current threatens to sweep you backwards and have quick reflexes when the current is pushing you along. There is some good movies that I have posted on you tube (using the apt alias, Dr. Fantazajazz) and that show up on the video bar (if I did it right). Inside the small cave were some ridiculously large sting rays, which left very little room for you to give the sting rays their appropriate respect. Ayis laughed at me for literally climbing the walls of the cave trying to get out of the way of the rays. And our dive guide laughed at me for almost stepping on a woobegong and then freaking out when I realised what it was. There was also a nearly blind sea turtle at the exit of the cave who will try and bite whatever he thinks he can see just in case it is food. It was my first experience having to gently hold back a rabid sea turtle as it snaps at me.

We had camped the night before at Trial Bay which was an amazing Parks department campsite that had some resident wild kangaroos. Some of them even stayed to watch a movie with us, dubbed "Hoppy Cinema". Ayis and I practiced our tumbling maneuvers and general looking pretty during sunset. One must practice!

All in all, it was a fantastic dive. It's just a shame Ayis didn't get to see the end of it.

No time for grieving, I have my illustrious career as an underwater DJ to look after. Peace out!

Easter bluesfest

There is no better way to celebrate the original vagabond then to spend Easter at the East Coast Blues & Roots Festival in Byron Bay. We had a blast and I got to hear some fantastic music. The greatest part was getting to hear Don McLean sing "American Pie" and John Fogerty do all his Credence Clearwater Revival hits. This is music that my dad taught me about and it is stuff that I never thought I would get to hear preformed live by their original songwriters in my lifetime. It was spectacular! Check out the video bar to hear/see some of these oldies get down.

On Thursday, we got to Ballina just in time to set up our tent and then head to Byron for Xavier Rudd's performance. We met up with Flosi and Newbes and we all jammed out and waited for John Butler Trio to come on. However, after a couple of John Butler Trio's songs I started to feel a bit dizzy and then I fainted. After that, I didn't really feel like hanging out with a bunch of hippies so Ayis drove us back to Ballina. The next day, of course, when we saw Newbes and Flosi again they thought it was hilarious to pretend to faint at the mere mention of John Butler's name. Apparently this joke never gets old as it was used for the whole rest of the trip.

Austin, Ayis' brother, came down on Saturday and Sunday to go to the festival with us and do some surfing/beach Frisbee/wrestling. The whole Bluesfest was quite good. We saw some good acts, some not so good acts, and some really tripped out people. As you can see Ayis seems to have had a real good time and really enjoyed the music. One of my highlights was listening to the Cat Empire while standing on Austin's shoulders. It was kind of scary but really awesome cause being short you never really get to see anything. I liked it so much I wanted to practice with Ayis so that I could do that all the time. It didn't really work out so well when we tried it.

Newish bands to check out:

Bedouin Soundclash-Canadian fusion of rock, reggae, punk, and soul

GOCOO + GoRo-Maybe only good live, but they rocked out. Thing of an Asian "stomp" but with more indigenous drums and very angry looking chicks

Goyte-A younger Moby

True Live-Hip hop with a 4 string orchestra

O.A.R.-Washington DC rock group, the sax player is ridiculously cute!

Rodrigo y Gabriela- This duo did things on the guitar I am pretty sure have never been done before

My old favourites of Bluesfest:

John Butler Trio

Xavier Rudd

The Lost Dogs

John Fogerty

Don McLean

KT Tunstall

Thank God for Catholics. . .

Otherwise there would be no good parties.

Gatorade bottle filled with vodka? wearing almost no clothes? people of the same gender making out? If you answered yes to all of these questions then you must be at the Sydney gay & lesbian Mardi Gras parade! Even better than last year. Ellis let me dress him up. I repeat Ellis let me pick his outfit. He is not a smart man, but you gotta love his spirit. And boy, did he get heaps of attention. Gay men love him! We couldn't get anyone else in the crew to dress up, but we made a spectacular couple. Not with each other of course, Angela was my girlfriend and Gary was Ellis' boyfriend and I don't think either one of them was excited about their duty. We had a great time running around the streets and watching the dikes on bikes ride by on their big motorcycles with their ta-tas showing. We basically just yelled and screamed and ran around for hours. Towards the end of the night we all managed to lose each other and after partaking of some street pizza Ang, Ellis, and myself went back to Ang's house and passed out. Her poor couch looked like fairies had attacked it since it was covered in glitter and I had to sleep all night in my bathing suit because Ang had double knotted it so well I couldn't get out of it. I think the pictures tell the story best.

Left: Even our drinks get into the spirit.

Center: Gramps is oh so cool.

Right: Ang is fussin' at Gary about something.

I heart Oz!

Kate and I have such a fun time road trippin' down the eastern coast of Oz. We had an awesome Valentine's day with Biba up in Brizzy eating cheese and watching Sex & the City. It was so fabulously girlie! It was great to see the Cavids, Fletch, Austin, and of course, the lab gang. We ate at Trang's twice cause they have the best noodles in Australia. Then we started our road trip south to Sydney with a 3 day stop in Byron Bay where we took surf lessons. Surf lessons turned into a "private" surfing lesson which turned into us having to tell the surf instructor we were not going to have sex with him. While we were hanging on the beach the tide came in, and we couldn't really get back to the car the way we had come because the waves were crashing into the rocks. Kate and I decided to scale the rocks over the cliff while the surf instructor took the boards around the treacherous rocks. Half-way up the cliffs, we realize that he got the much easier job. The shale rocks are falling off as we grab them, the other beach goer that left before us was throwing rocks at us as he climbed up. About 45 minutes later, we finally made it through the Brier patch to the other side of the cliff so we could climb out. We basically hassled the surf instructor about his poor decision making skills until he was embarrassed enough to cook us dinner. After that fiasco, the swell really picked up and it was too dangerous for us to go surfing for a couple of days. We spent one night in Port Macquarie and the koala park before heading to Sydney. Friday night Kate and I took ourselves down to the docks and some nice men took us for a sundown sail around Sydney harbour. All day Saturday we spent surfing in Royal National park south of Sydney. And on Sunday,









Ellis and Scotty took us for a ride up the coast in a Cessna. We got to do a couple of laps around the harbour and see the cliffs along the coast and practice swinging our "guns" on sailboats. Check out the video bar to watch Kate and I scream as Scotty does crazy shit with the plane. Tuesday, we did some more surfing had a big brunch and then took the train back to Syd to see an outdoor movie with Gramps. It would have been lovely except it was raining the whole time. Then on Wednesday, I had to drop Kate off at the airport so she could go on to Vietnam and I took myself down to health services Australia to get a chest xray with all the other immigrants. That is a great place to catch some strange disease. Kate and I will be meeting back up at the end of March to see Nepal, but I was sad to see her go.

FIJI!

Fiji was awesome!! We spent 8 days visiting the Yasewa (or something like that) island group. Kate finished up her dive corse on the Blue Lagoon of Brooke Shields' fame. We spent the next 4 days on an island called Waya. We spent the first night in the dorm room, but the light never turned off because it was connected to the generator and the drunk English backpackers kept coming in and waking everyone up so from then on we camped in a tent. In the morning, Kate went fishing while I slept in a hammock on the beach. Unfortunately, I slept on my book funny and hurt my neck so I took some drugs and slept some more while Kate visited the local village over the hill. It was decided that the next night we would go stay in the village at a man named Semi's house. Semi has SEVEN kids. They range in age from 16 months to 14 years and they are most likely the spawn of Tasmanian devils. Village life was quite interesting. One morning we awoke to the sound of a pig being attacked by a pack of domestic dogs. It is a very pleasant sound and I think alarm clock makers should add that to the list of sounds available to arise to. The food was absolutely yummy as long as you didn't think that it came from the one room house that all 9 family members lived in (the 16 month old not yet potty trained and there are no diapers in Fiji) and which seemed to have a bit of a mouse problem. On Sunday, we went to Fijian church service. It was amazing to hear them sing, but the sermon was a bit long considering it was in the tribal dialect. After a bit of a lie down (called "Fiji time"), we hiked over the other hill to take the kids back to boarding school. Once there we helped our new friend who is trying to be a professional photographer/journalist take school photos of all the kids. It was hilarious!! These children were so excited to have their picture taken. The next day we had to be back on the big boat at 3:30 pm to get to the mainland in order to catch our flight to Oz the next day. We decided to go for a hike with our photographer friend (Merica) to the mountain top. The way up was fairly easy and since we had a professional with us we decided to take an epic butt picture. This involved Kate and I doing some serious rock climbing. After the photo shoot was over, we all 3 started our decent down. This did not go smoothly. We managed to get very lost. we could easily see where we wanted to be, but the vegetation was so thick that it was hard to get to. That was combined with the fact that the hillside was littered with ledges that were concealed by vegetation so you never really knew if the shrubs you were standing on had solid ground directly beneath it. The vegetation was so thick it would support all of our body weight and then some. At one point, I had slid down this slope on my ass and caught on to a charred tree before the log under me went over a small cliff. Nothing like a nice stroll to keep the blood pumping. After 2.5 hours of getting lost we finally made it back to the path and eventually back to the village. I would like to take this opportunity to take full responsibility for getting us lost. I have no idea where the trail went and we could not backtrack and find it, but it was there somewhere because it was the exact same trail we had ascended on. We didn't have time to analyse what went wrong. We had just enough time to pack up our stuff, get back over the hill, eat Oreos, and catch our boat. I would show you the epic picture, but it is stuck on the camera at the moment.

So much for hiking in Fiji. . .now it is on to Australia. We are currently in Brisbane catching up with some mates and head out in the morning to spend a couple of days surfing in Byron bay. Eventually, we will make our way to Sydney and hang out there for a couple of days before Kate heads out to Asia.